Grief Support

Here are a few very basic ways of coping effectively with grief: 

• Exercise. If you can, try to exercise, at least a little, each day. (If every day doesn’t work, try to get some exercise in at least a few times a week.) Walk, run, kayak, attend yoga class (online), garden, do something, anything physical.  The grief experience can be so intense, and so exhausting, that much of the time we think: “I don’t have enough energy to exercise. I just can’t do it.” But even a little exercise—a short walk, for instance, goes a long way to helping with stress relief, coping, and just getting through the day.
   
• Eat well. Grief-related emotions can impact our appetite. Sometimes, we just don’t feel hungry. Other times it feels like too much just to try to cook or to eat healthily. Grief-related listlessness and a lack of energy can be adversely affected by a poor diet. Try to eat nutritiously and on a schedule, if possible, eating good sources of protein, fruits, and veggies. Food fuels our body and our soul. During a grieving time, we need good nutrition to keep up strength and fend off illness. If friends or family would like to drop off meals, consider saying "yes." 

• Sleep adequately. Because grief tends to affect our sleep patterns negatively, it is important to get not only enough sleep, but to get enough quality sleep. Sometimes we are exhausted but still unable to get to sleep or stay asleep. It’s not uncommon for people who are grieving to lay awake in the quiet of the night, mourning the loss of a loved one, unable to get adequate rest.

• Try to minimize sleep interruption: Limit caffeine, especially after 2 or 3pm. Limit alcohol intake. Alcohol intake can increase depression and worsen sleep cycles. Sleep cycles can be adversely affected by a few glasses of wine or cocktails: it's not uncommon after moderate alcohol usage to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep. Sleep cycle interruption can enhance irritability the next day and enhance raw emotions. If you decide to have a glass of wine, try to make that a few nights a week, vs nightly.

• Ways to enhance healthy sleep: Set aside time before bed to pray, meditate, and reflect. Try soothing nighttime rituals such as drinking herbal tea. Pick up a "not-too-exciting book" or watch a gentle, not-too-compelling show before bed. If you've tried all of the above and you still are unable to sleep, consult with your doctor. Sometimes a temporary sleep aid may be necessary. 

• Rest, Relax, Read. These three ‘R’s’ can offer necessary respite from your emotions. Such ‘time off’ can allow your body to heal. Try, each week, to make a ‘care plan’ for how you will integrate some ‘self-care’ into your schedule. Take a nap. Watch a sunset. Go on a ferry boat ride or take a drive. Read a new novel or re-read an old favorite. Watch a movie or show with a friend—virtually, if you like. Perhaps watching Netflix or Hulu or an old friend of a show which makes you laugh might help.  In time of desperation, there are always puppy or cat videos.  YouTube videos, like most things, can be helpful in moderation, and detrimental with too much volume.  It could be a favorite podcast works to help distract you. Or, just sit and rest awhile.

• Write. Writing notes or emails to friends may be one helpful way to process your thoughts and feelings. Alternately, keeping a journal of your grief journey, can help to process emotions—to ‘get it all out.’ 

• Remember/ Share. Take time to remember and re-live the good times—or the not-so-good ones. Breathe in the memories of lived love. Forgive your own faults and failings, and those of your loved ones, living and dead. Tell stories. Share memories. ‘Just be’ with close friends. 

• Cry. Tears can help to heal the hurt. When a person is enduring physically severe exertion, his or her body sweats. When we experience emotional exertion, our soul sweats tears. Conversely, if the tears don’t come, don’t worry. Everyone grieves in his own way or in her own time, with or without tears. 

• Accept emotional ups and downs as a part of your grieving process.  Cut yourself—and others— a big slice of slack. Realize that your grieving time will often make you feel more emotionally jagged, with sorrow overflows or intense irritation occurring unexpectedly, juxtaposed with time intervals where you feel ok, or even a bit happy.  You never know how you'll feel at any given moment, making social or work commitments tricky.  Sometimes, simple life events or a gathering of friends may trigger grief-related emotions.  Treat yourself with the mercy and gently say to yourself something to the effect of: "It's ok, little buddy.  You can do this. One step, one day or part of a day or part of an hour at a time."

• Pray, Reflect, Meditate. For people of faith, prayer can be a soothing reminder that God loves us tenderly and completely. Even in deep darkness and blackest night, the Lord is listening and walking our grief journey with us, oftentimes carrying us in his arms. For those for whom religious faith is not a method for coping, consider what does help you. Is reading poetry or philosophy a help? Music? Perhaps practicing mindfulness or breathing might be of assist. 

• ‘Just say Yes’ to help. It is a challenge for most of us to learn to receive graciously. Remember, it is not only in giving that we receive, but in receiving that we give. Allow family and friends to minister to you.

• Welcome loving-kindness/ Reach out. Breath in the blessings, even if they seem impossible to find. Reach out to another in need of help or consolation. Give as you’ve received. Love one another. 

Some of these suggestions for basic coping might feel like clichés, others may not resonate for you. It could be the whole list feels irritating to you right now. That's OK. These suggestions may be self-evident to some folks and quite helpful to others. 

No matter how helpful or unhelpful, none of these things will bring back your loved one or lesson your feelings of intense loss. These ways have been identified by some grievers as helping them. They may help you day to day, moment to moment. If not, one idea might be to create your own list, delineating what activities might help you get through each day and each night. 

Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.  We are so sorry for your loss.