grief support: offering Support During grief

Journeying through grief is tough. It takes time and effort, support and understanding. Grief is exhausting.  And the road through grief is difficult to travel alone. Friends and loved ones want to help accompany us on the journey, but don't feel adequately tooled. They worry about saying or doing the wrong things. 

Here's a overview of grief support: 

Say something: don't say nothing. Acknowledge the loss. Express sorrow. Offer support.

If you learn nothing else about supporting someone who has experienced the death of a loved one, that sentence will be enough. Say a few words, like "I'm sorry for your loss." Write a condolence note. Express sympathy. Be kind. 

That's it for first steps. Obviously, you can do more than the minimum, even if you aren’t close to the grieving person. You can call and ask if you can drop off a meal, offer specific help, or check on someone over time. (See Tips for Delivering  Comfort Food During Grief)  Texts, emails or hand-written notes are great. 

One caveat:  When you text, email, or leave a voice mail, please let the person know that no response is necessary.  A grieving person can, literally, receive hundreds of texts, and responding to each is draining. Often the content of the communication is supportive, but the idea that they have to respond to each one is overwhelming.  More than one person has said the most supportive texts they've received are from people who say, "Don't worry about responding. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you." 

Here are a few things which help:

Be with me. Love me. Listen. Reminisce. 

Learn about grief. Try to understand. Give me time. Go the distance.

Here are a few don'ts:

Don't disappear. Don't judge. Don't try to fix me. Don't abandon me. 

Don't say: "I know just how you feel," "It's God's will," or "You can have another one." 

Don't say: "You are grieving too much" or "You're taking too long to get over it." 

These kinds of statements are hurtful: they reveal a lack of knowledge about the grieving process. 

Grief Basics: Here is some basic grief info which will better tool you in supporting people who are grieving. 

Grief is different for each person who grieves and each person grieved. Even people in the same family grieve the death of a mother, father, or sibling differently. While everyone feels loss, the intensity of the feelings will vary, as will the length of time a person grieves. No one is the same. And no one person's grief will look like another’s.

Grief time frame varies. One person if the family may evidence short term grief around the time of the funeral and for several months afterwards, then feel an emotional return to normal. Another person may work their way through grief for years. A year can be a short time when someone is enduring a significant loss: in some circumstances the year death anniversary is the occasion for a deepening of grief related sadness and feelings of loss. It can take another year for some people to begin to feel as if they are moving through grief, taking the memories and love of those who have died into the "new normal." 

Sometimes grief is complicated. The death of someone with whom there has been a fractured relationship can cause intense and lasting grief. A person may be grieving the relationship they never had and now will never have. Emotional or psychological wounds may exist. A person may grieve an apology never given or words of healing never spoken--on either side of the relationship. Each of us has regrets: in grief we might regret things we said or did, which we wish we hadn't, things we didn’t' say or do, but wish we did. Most relationships are complicated: those complications and the feelings they cause do not go away when the person dies.  They may, in fact, intensify.  Complicated grieving is real grief, just not the "I'll miss him forever with no regrets" kind. And it requires mercy and compassion. 

Professional help. Be sure to check with a primary care MD or therapist if signs of depression or complicated grief exist or if a need to work through aspects of a complicated relationship with the deceased is demonstrated. Counseling, a support group, and medication may be needed. If you feel like you could use someone to listen routinely and help you sort through your feelings, be sure to seek out help. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can be especially helpful in grief.  You can ask people you know who they recommend, or you can google area providers and read reviews, check background and availability.   

Those of us who want to support someone who is grieving the death of a loved one worry we don't have knowledge adequate tools. Because our understanding of grief is rudimentary, we sometimes make mistakes in what we say or what we don't say. And because we want a loved one's suffering to stop, we can mistakenly offer judgement instead of support. Our own fear and anxiety about being under-tooled to help can lead to impatience with the grieving person, frustration at how long they are taking to "get over it," and distancing behaviors. 

Unintentionally, we end up isolating the person we love. Rather than support, they may feel abandonment. Instead of being able to talk about their feelings and memories, the message they may receive is to "pretend everything is OK." Squelching feelings and repressing can truncate the grief process. 

Because grief is different for each of us, the rule of thumb for grief-related interaction is mercy. Pray for mercy, live mercy, and speak mercy. Treat yourself and others who grieve with mercy.