Navigating Health care: care and support

If you, or someone you love, has recently received such a diagnosis -- or if you have had the diagnosis for some time but your condition has recently worsened -- you know what a struggle it can be to cope. I sure do.  

Changes wrought in your life, body, family can be devastating. It can be tough to 'give up control' over your daily schedule; over your very existence. Even tougher is to ask for or accept the support we need. The truth is, most of us are more comfortable being the 'care-giver' than the 'care-receiver.' Sadly, in our 'modern' age, we tend to equate 'how important we are' with 'how much we can do.' 

In other words, all too often we seem to believe our worth is measured by the mere sum of our working functional parts. We live as though we believe we are 'human doings' rather than 'human BEINGS.' We worry about becoming a 'burden.' We fear 'losing control.' 

In so doing, we lose sight of the wisdom handed on to us from generations past. This wisdom, more uncommon than it should be in our materialistic, control-focused culture, is based on living and giving 'the good beyond ourselves.' 

According to Saint Francis of Assisi, "it is in giving that we receive." But also, and perhaps more on point for those of us who have been diagnosed with a serious illness: "it is in receiving that we give.” 

Remember, those who know you and love you cannot control your disease. They cannot make you better by wishing it so. No doubt they feel helpless and worried. Allowing them the honor of participating in your information gathering, decision-making, and care-giving does not make you a burden: It frees them of theirs. 

It sounds good, I know.  Like most care-GIVERs, I would much rather do-for people than have them do-for me.  It seems awkward and uncomfortable, to "just say yes" to help.  Over 15 years of caregiving, I've had to learn to say yes, sometimes.  It still doesn't feel great, and I still think I "should" be able to do all these things myself.  In fact, truth be told, I'd rather just do all of it without help. And honestly, it sometimes seems like it takes so long to tell someone how to do something, that it would be easier to do it myself.  

And I do. Still.  A lot more than I should.  

But, honestly, it just isn't tenable.  Not for the long term. I will break down physically, (been there, done that)  and sometimes emotionally (ditto).  It's a heck of a tough job, one you want to do, more than anything, but one you just can't do alone.  And, in a way, saying no to well-meaning offers of help cheats those who love me out of the opportunity to "do for" me in the way I "do for" them. 

Still I worry about being a burden and a bother.

Here's the deal though: if I turn it around in my mind and postulate that my friends and loved ones are in need, obviously doing more than they possibly can, if I imagine them taking an ill loved one to appointments, managing meds, arranging caregiving, providing caregiving, making meals, cleaning the house, doing the yard upkeep, and so much more, often including holding down a job and taking care of a family, I just want to pitch in and help out. And that's how they feel: they just want to pitch in and help out. They, too, feel helpLESS.  They want to feel help-FULL, just as I would in their shoes.  

It's still a tough sell for me to accept help, but, if I try hard, the Y-E-S work can get out of my mouth.  

It takes practice, and humility.  There's a bit of pride in me not wanting to think I even need help.  And a bit more pride in going it alone, sort of like lifting heavy in the gym, I think I can stoically "lift heavy" in caregiving.  Except, I can't.  None of us can, not interminably.  So, why not let loose and say yup to help? Why not work a little harder on being a human being vs a human doing? Say yes to help--the earlier the better, is what I wished I learned quite a few years ago, and what I'm still trying to learn right now.  

The lesson? Allow friends, relatives, and co-workers to receive as they give.  Just do it.

The next time someone says: 'What can I do?' let them know exactly what they can do and how they can help themselves by helping you. And then work on letting go, thankfully letting that help in vs worrying and fretting about having said yes.   Honestly, you have enough to worry about.  

Let this one go.  :)