Caregiving support

To care for someone who is seriously ill is both a blessing and a privilege. It is also a challenge.

And though it can feel burdensome at times, especially if you don't have the support or assistance you need, providing care for a loved one can also be a life-changing experience - one that transforms you in 'doing the good beyond yourself' and frees you to love more deeply than you ever thought possible.

But when a person is exhausted and overworked, saddened and distraught, caregiving often does not feel like a blessing. It feels overwhelming. This is why it is essential to put into place as much care and support and respite as is possible.

Though at first it might feel like it is 'too much bother,' I'd like to encourage you to "just say yes" to help.

Please allow yourself to take some respite from some of the many duties of caregiving. Taking care of someone who is seriously ill 'all by your lonesome' can put your own heath at risk - not to mention the health of the person you are caring for. So, if possible, let go of the unhealthy and unreal image of 'Superman or Superwoman Caregiver.'  I, too, tried the Wonderwoman routine: It didn't really work out until I got the help I needed. 

Self-care in the context of energy stewardship is not at all selfish: in fact, it is quite the opposite of selfish. Effective stewardship of your own strategic energy reserves is important for any job, but it is vital for the job of caregiving. Most of us know from personal experience what happens when our own strategic energy reserves begin to dip to below sustainable levels - we get weaker and the costs of caregiving increase. The toll of low energy reserves includes decreased immunity to illness, and added physical and emotional stress - which we want to avoid.

So, here is your "Prescription for Self-Care."

• Practice the ancient Hebrew tradition of maraii, which is 'taking tender loving care of oneself.' Cut yourself a huge slice of slack, daily. Know that you are doing the best you can and show the mercy towards yourself that you show to others. Doing this takes practice and priority.  Caregiving can be such a busy and all-encompassing job, you can't help but think: Easy for her to say, but I honestly don't have time for me.  None of us is "only" a caregiver, and if we were, it would still be hard. We are mothers and fathers, wife's or husbands, adult children, co-workers, and much more.  We find ourselves sighing as we run from necessity to necessity.  If sighing were providing maraii for myself, surely that would be doable, we think.  Still, try.  Imagine you are the caregiver for you, which you are. And budget the time, if even a tad.

• Each day try to take a little time for a 'want-to,' (not a 'should-do' or a 'must-do,' but a want to). This want-to might be a short walk, or it might be reading a novel for an hour (or a half hour!) at a local coffee shop. It might be 'retail therapy' involving the purchase of a new outfit, or it might be taking an hour out to work in your garden. It might even be sitting still at home with a cup of hot tea. You will know what fills you up - this is your own personal daily want-to prescription. Whatever you self-identify as food for body and soul should become your regularly scheduled 'want-to.' Try to give yourself regular permission to do this - it is important for your own overall health as the myriad of prescription medications are for your loved one's health. Take a page from Nike and "Just do it."

In addition to scheduling a daily 'want-to' prescription, it is a good idea to make time for reflection and for spiritual renewal. Making time for reflection, prayer, or meditation within your own spiritual, philosophical, or religious context can literally be life-saving. Because caregiving is hard work which taxes both your body and spirit, it is essential to reserve some time away from the active duties of caregiving in order to refresh and renew both your body and spirit.

It may be that you need to budget some time for gardening, physical exercise, for a walk in the park, or a drive. Or perhaps a neighbor or friend can watch your loved one for a short time, enabling you to go to a coffee shop, read a book, go to church for some quiet time, or simply meet a friend for some ‘net energy positive’ companionship.

Weaving a fabric of care around someone who is seriously ill is challenging. And it can feel like a bother. Issues of time, coverage, finances, communication, and control, among others, will surface. But it is much better to choose help before a crisis. All too often it requires a serious episode or hospitalization before some people choose to bring in additional help. Unfortunately, waiting so long often reduces the number of available options and choices. See Caregiving Resources.  

Be creative. If finances are a problem, remember your community. It may be help is available but that all you need to do is ask. Allow yourself to trust that those co-workers, friends, family members, neighbors, and church volunteers really mean it when they say: "What can I do to help?" Or "Just call me. Anything. Anything at all. I'm here for you."

I know. It really is hard to ask for help.

Most of us humans would much rather give than receive. But consider this: Have you ever made just such an offer? Didn't you feel helpless that you couldn't make your dear friend's illness go away? And so you brought food, helped take care of children, wrote a card, offered to help in any way you could. Allowing others to help provides them with the opportunity to participate in the blessing. Say yes to 'receiving as you give.'

Okay, let's say you are ready for some additional outside help. Perhaps you've already asked for and/or accepted the help of family, friends and church members and you are ready for 'the next level' of professional help. 

Please see Selecting home health or hospice care for details and more information on home care and hospice services and how best to access them.